Allpar re-org and/or sale plan
Recently I have been disappointed with the performance of allpar.com. After taking out money for my various expenses, including the new Rolls-Royce and house in the Hamptons, I have found Allpar LLC’s allpar.com division to be losing considerable money, forcing valiant.org - our original site and one of the very first car sites on the Internet, one might even say the CREATOR of the Internet car site - to subsidize allpar.com, which has been unable to maintain the viewership figures of January 2006 and, more important, has been sustaining consistent losses despite everything valiant.org could do. We tried bringing in moderators from valiant.org, but oddly enough, each time we did that, viewership fell. We tried some “Valiant engineered” advertising, but viewership fell. So we tried it again and viewership fell. So we tried it again and viewership fell. So we tried it again and viewership fell. But we’ll try it again next week and see what happens.
allpar.com has used a great deal of valiant.org engineering, including its style sheet, basic format, javascripts, menus, and some images (royalties and consulting fees were quietly paid by allpar.com to valiant.org in partial compensation. Coincidentally, valiant.org has had record profits in recent years, because after all valiant.org is the pinnacle of the automotive web site. Competition from dodgedart.org can be ignored.)
We have therefore decided that we will cut allpar.com’s staff by 20% and shut down one of its web servers, which should greatly grow its revenue base and viewership. In addition we will share more with valiant.org, for example having allpar.com design valiant.org’s new slant six engines section, which will increase allpar.com’s profits (though we don’t know how). We are also searching for buyers for allpar.com, which is really a worthless site that actually detracts from the value of valiant.org, and has no actual assets other than a used server nobody else wants and some employees in fields that are already crowded. We are asking $26 million for allpar.com, but at the same time we are working on fixing it using our valiant.org expertise, which has helped to generate record losses - I mean to prevent even greater losses.
We hope you will understand when we tell you that allpar.com is the best auto site in its class, though financially completely worthless and run by incompetent editors, and ask you to purchase advertising on allpar.com and not to worry about the banker behind the curtain.
One last item - It is also possible that this entire post is sarcasm and not meant to be taken seriously.