Allpar re-org and/or sale plan
Recently I have been disappointed with the performance of allpar.com. After taking out money for my various expenses, including the new Rolls-Royce and house in the Hamptons, I have found Allpar LLC’s allpar.com division to be losing considerable money, forcing valiant.org - our original site and one of the very first car sites on the Internet, one might even say the CREATOR of the Internet car site - to subsidize allpar.com, which has been unable to maintain the viewership figures of January 2006 and, more important, has been sustaining consistent losses despite everything valiant.org could do. We tried bringing in moderators from valiant.org, but oddly enough, each time we did that, viewership fell. We tried some “Valiant engineered” advertising, but viewership fell. So we tried it again and viewership fell. So we tried it again and viewership fell. So we tried it again and viewership fell. But we’ll try it again next week and see what happens.
allpar.com has used a great deal of valiant.org engineering, including its style sheet, basic format, javascripts, menus, and some images (royalties and consulting fees were quietly paid by allpar.com to valiant.org in partial compensation. Coincidentally, valiant.org has had record profits in recent years, because after all valiant.org is the pinnacle of the automotive web site. Competition from dodgedart.org can be ignored.)
We have therefore decided that we will cut allpar.com’s staff by 20% and shut down one of its web servers, which should greatly grow its revenue base and viewership. In addition we will share more with valiant.org, for example having allpar.com design valiant.org’s new slant six engines section, which will increase allpar.com’s profits (though we don’t know how). We are also searching for buyers for allpar.com, which is really a worthless site that actually detracts from the value of valiant.org, and has no actual assets other than a used server nobody else wants and some employees in fields that are already crowded. We are asking $26 million for allpar.com, but at the same time we are working on fixing it using our valiant.org expertise, which has helped to generate record losses - I mean to prevent even greater losses.
We hope you will understand when we tell you that allpar.com is the best auto site in its class, though financially completely worthless and run by incompetent editors, and ask you to purchase advertising on allpar.com and not to worry about the banker behind the curtain.
One last item - It is also possible that this entire post is sarcasm and not meant to be taken seriously.
Now wait, isn’t this similar to some other story in the news lately? It sounds eerily familiar for some reason… oh well
Only 26 Million? Say, that is not much to put against the upkeep on the Hamptons House. About 18 months and that would be gone. I am more concerned about the Rolls. Which one are you referring too? I am truly partial to the blue convertible. If you toss that in, I will write you a check for the entire amount. You will take a check, of course….. right? Of course, there is that matter of the 21…. or is it 36… gosh, I don’t recall exactly what you did have there….. I mean the Valiants. That is what the draw is. I would like to get a couple of those too. That red ‘74 360 was HOT! I also would like to see that blue ‘70 340 Duster. We can talk after you get my check. Call that one a loss leader. Say, maybe you would stay on as a consultant. Who better to understand that I wouldn’t be able to pay you…. at least not right away. The 36 mill would temporarily deplete some major resource. However, once we trim away employees, server time, advertisers, readers, members, new products, and place the entire culpability on Valiant.org, there is not doubt it will become highly profitable! I LIKE this plan. Bankers? We don’t need no stinkin’ bankers! Let ‘em hide behind curtains, trees, bushes ……. well maybe not ALL Bushes… governments, facades, vaults, bank buildings. WE DON’T care as long as they speak English and aren’t carrying brief cases full of cash. I do however have a contact with a guy named Dieter, now HE might be interested in those brief cases, so he can take care of that end. The only thing is the Valiant.org site calling the ALLPAR.com site worthless, when in fact is has a 26 million dollar (US) value. I guess that is just to drive the price down so that Valiant.org can come in to act like some sort of hero to save ALLPAR. Not gonna work. We are already on to them. Hear that? That is the sound of my pen on the check. Check is in the mail! Don’t do anything ’til you hear from me!!! This is all true!!!!!
Pretty much.
Just a minute let me check my calendar to see if in the year before a Leap Year that April comes before March. Aaah, no I guess not.
And since this was written on February 26th, it can’t be confused for April 1st (whatever that means). Great plan Dave!
I want my 50%.
Dear Kate:
I am not into community property divisions nor do I know any good attorneys. The check is for the full 26 million. Of course, for that Rolls Convertible and that Valiant and Duster, I MIGHT be persuaded to make the check out in both your names….. Let me know what you can do.
Sincerely,
Curtis
Dave:
your sarcasm keeps amazeing me every day