Patience, please!

People sometimes write to me and demand to know why Chrysler is so slow to adopt their favorite technology.

Much of the time, I agree that what they want is reasonable. Like diesel engines – I’d love to see diesels in the 200/Avenger or Wrangler or Ram 1500. Especially those VM Motori diesels they use in Europe, or, for the Ram, those new Cummins models that apparently only the U.S. Government is using.

But let’s take a quick look at Chrysler.

For nine years they suffered under Daimler’s “cut it, then cut it again, then cut it again” mentality. Then they went under Cerberus’ knife and even the Pentastar V6 nearly bought the farm — as far as I can tell, it was saved by press coverage.

So here’s what Chrysler is hurrying to get ready:

* Pentastar V6 Variants: direct injection, MDS, turbocharged, twin turbocharged, and possibly 3-liter high-mileage or economy versions
* New transmissions: nine speed and eight speed — apparently in just about every vehicle they make
* World Engine rebuild — as far as we can tell, essentially scrapping most of the top of the engine and starting over
* Federalized Fiat engines (1.4, 1.4 turbo)
* Power/efficiency upgrades for the Hemi V8s
* MultiAir implementation
* Viper V10 upgrades

It’s quite likely the engineers are also working on a V8 version of the Pentastar V6, as well — or at least some sort of replacement for the Hemi, to debut a few years down the road. No engine family lasts forever.

(As for MultiAir, it’s hard to tell how much of its implementation is political vs engineering, especially on the variable cam engines.)

At the same time, they’re working on all those new Fiat designs, replacing the compact cars, the midsized cars, the Liberty, the Journey… working on the minivan replacements for 2014… and presumably bringing over large vans and investigating class 6-8 trucks. That’s not to mention the Dakota replacement, Wrangler pickup, etc.

So if there’s no Wrangler diesel next year, I won’t be surprised, nor will I be upset. A decimated engineering crew joined by a large number of probably-inexperienced newcomers is doing amazing work, but they’re all still human. Give them time and be patient; between the engineering, debugging, testing, refinement, re-testing, and certification, these things take a lot of time and money. On the lighter side, we may be looking at several years of marked improvements — our reward for having to endure a decade of disappointments?

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Mercedes execs dismissing Chrysler direction

Several Mercedes executives have commented on what they see as wrong turns being taken by Sergio Marchionne and other Chrysler leaders.

“First, let’s look at seating,” said one. “They’re doing it all wrong. Seats should be thin, so you have more interior space. They should also be as firm as possible, because in the mass production environment within the North American market, that is all customers need.

“Our plans were to transition Chrysler products to folding chairs, welded in place, for the ultimate in spatial efficiency. For Jeep, which requires a washable option for off-roading, we would use milk crates, hooked in with special S-hooks to assure crash protection. We were working on airbag mounting when we decided we needed to jettison Chrysler, not because we were running it into the ground, as some have suggested, but because it made us feel itchy and dirty.”

Another executive commented, “They’re going about styling all wrong. Americans like things blocky and simple. Look, their favorite vehicles are big Ford trucks. They loved those Ford Explorers. We’re not talking about people with taste and refinement here, we’re talking about people who think professional wrestling is real, people who think NASCAR is racing, people who take visiting German executives out to McDonald’s and drink watered down yellow-tinted seltzer ‘brewed from a mountain stream.’ These new cars won’t sell. They’re missing things Americans love — vents in the glove compartment, blocky ‘in your face’ styling, sharp plastic edges. Without those features, how will Americans know they’re getting value?”

A third said, “And they’re going about leadership all wrong. You’re not supposed to tell people you appreciate how smart they are, and then listen to what they say, especially customers and employees. That’ll just get you a bunch of half-assed ideas. Quality can only be assured by men in properly trained men in white lab coats, and I do mean men, and by ‘properly trained,’ I mean either in Germany or taking two years of accounting courses in a B-school.

“Do you know what else? The feel’s all wrong. These cars feel all light and sporty. Nobody will feel safe in them. To feel safe you need to feel heavy and ponderous. That’s the feel of quality.”

“Really,” said the first, “everything’s getting screwed up. This whole idea of having Dodge and Chrysler minivans in different segments. Making so many things standard. Soft touch surfaces. It just doesn’t make sense. Don’t they know these things cost money? Lots of money! And the only way to get your money back is to charge higher prices, and the only way you can do that is to have a reputable brand — like Mercedes.”

“Mercedes invented the car,” said the second.

“Mercedes invented the truck,” said the third.

“Okay,” said the first, “Mercedes didn’t invent either one, unless you count three-wheeled powered tricycles as both cars and trucks, and ignore steam-driven cars with four wheels, steering, and brakes. But as long as we say we did it, we can keep our reputation. Without that reputation, how would we be able to charge enough to put luxury items like comfortable seats into our cars?”

The other two nodded. The third executive said, “Chrysler will go broke again, and take Fiat down with it.”

Okay, so that wasn’t a real conversation, or even a realistic conversation. But really, can’t you see it happening? Somewhere at Daimler, some managers must be talking about how Chrysler is cutting its own throat by, well, making better cars.